My intention in this reflection is to capture the insights gained from a recent client experience in couples therapy and how it relates to my own journey with my wife and our relationship.
A Personal Shift: From Intellect to Intuition
Two years ago, I was deeply frustrated that my wife and I couldn’t see eye to eye on how to raise our oldest child—my stepson. At the time, I was heavily dominated by the intellect, a characteristic often associated with the masculine and the element of fire. My wife, on the other hand, was deeply intuitive, emotional, and guided by a more feminine energy. This fundamental difference led to conflict—we couldn’t truly hear or understand each other.
In August 2022, during a five-gram psilocybin journey, I had a profound realization: I needed to surrender control and access my heart. The medicine revealed the limitations of my intellect and the strength of my wife’s intuition. I was guided to balance my intellect with my heart’s wisdom. This shift, facilitated by psilocybin and later reinforced by MDMA experiences, allowed us to find a common frequency—a deeper connection where we could stop making each other wrong and truly listen.
At the same time, I see echoes of this struggle in the couples I work with.
A Client’s Transformation: Healing Through Surrender
Recently, I worked with a married couple who have been dear friends of ours for years. Married for 26 years, the wife had been in traditional psychotherapy—cognitive behavioral therapy and talk therapy—since 2004, yet she continued to struggle with anxiety, depression, and frustration in her marriage. Their conflicts were full of blaming and complaining, each feeling unheard and unappreciated.
After learning about our experiences with plant medicine, she decided to undergo an individual MDMA session. The experience was transformative—she accessed repressed memories, engaged in deep inner child healing, and found more clarity than in 20 years of conventional therapy. Her transformation was undeniable, but it created tension; her husband, uncertain and resistant, found the changes difficult to comprehend.
He initially took the position that he had no work to do—his wife was the one with the issues. But as he witnessed her profound changes, he felt like their marriage was on the verge of collapse. He could see the shift in her but struggled to relate to it. With hesitation, he agreed to his own MDMA journey two months later.
His session mirrored my own in many ways. Just as I had to surrender my intellect to access my heart, he had to confront the walls he had built around his emotions. He feared that vulnerability would make him weak, but instead, he discovered a strength he had never accessed before.
The Couples’ MDMA Journey: Breaking Down Walls
During their intake processes, the wife expressed feeling unappreciated—her contributions to their life together often went unacknowledged. The husband, in turn, admitted his struggle to be present and truly give and receive love. Through mindfulness, breath awareness, and embodiment practices, he began recognizing how his mind frequently drifted into future worries, preventing him from experiencing the present moment.
One of the most powerful moments in the session came from an open-eye gazing exercise as they listened to a song of significance. As they connected, the husband experienced a profound realization:
“I gave her all my power,” he said. “I’ve never taken a knee for anyone—not my father, no one. But I’m taking a knee for her, humbling myself before her, and it feels incredible.”
At the start of the session, he perceived his wife’s energy as small—one inch tall. But as he poured his love and humility into her, as he let go of intellect and fully surrendered his heart, he watched her grow into a radiant, powerful being before his eyes.
He apologized for the distance he had created, the distractions, and the avoidance. For the first time in 26 years, he saw his wife—her wounds, her resilience, and her growth.
The guidance leading up to this moment was crucial. Through the intake process, we explored the answers to questions about what they felt was holding them back in their relationship. During the session, without much prompting from me, they began spontaneously addressing these issues. This was a testament to the intake process doing its job—creating the space for them to engage in this work organically.
Later in the session, I stepped away to allow them privacy, encouraging them to connect physically but without sexual engagement. What they reported afterward was extraordinary:
“For the first time in my life, I made love to my wife through her heart and mind, not just her body.”
The Balance of Intellect and Intuition
This client’s journey mirrors my own—learning to surrender the intellect and embrace the wisdom of the heart. Initially, he feared that opening himself emotionally would make him weak, but instead, he found a deeper strength. Much like my own realization, he discovered that leading with the heart fosters more powerful communication, deeper trust, and a more connected relationship.
In my marriage, we continue to navigate challenges as our son grows and requires greater accountability. I still recognize my tendency to lead with intellect, just as my wife naturally leans into intuition. When I speak purely from intellect, she feels unheard and defensive. But when I soften into my heart—into the element of water—she can truly hear me. Likewise, I encourage her to consciously engage her intellect, balancing intuition with logic. When we both succeed in this practice, our communication flourishes.
The Role of Medicine in Facilitating Balance
Our work with MDMA and psilocybin has played a crucial role in this balancing act. The medicine creates a state where both energies—intellect and intuition—can harmonize. Interestingly, an LSD experience helped my wife feel what it was like to operate from the intellect:
“Oh my gosh,” she said. “This is where you function from all the time.”
That experience gave her a newfound appreciation for my perspective, just as my medicine journeys have deepened my understanding of hers. We have also found that our microdosing practice allows us to reconnect, remember, and renew the insights and experiences from past peak experiences.
A Broader Perspective: Masculine and Feminine in Society
On a collective level, I see this same struggle playing out. The masculine energy—intellect, fire, structure—dominates the political right, while the feminine energy—intuition, emotion, fluidity—is represented on the political left. Both are necessary, yet imbalance leads to division. Perhaps what we are learning as individuals is also what we need to learn collectively: true harmony comes from integrating both aspects of ourselves and finding balance between intellect and intuition.
This journey—both personal and professional—continues to unfold. The lessons of surrender, presence, and balance have transformed my marriage and the lives of my clients. And as I continue this work, I remain deeply grateful for the insights that plant medicine provides, guiding us toward a more connected and harmonious way of being.
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